The last (so called) stage

Tuesday, 6th of October. This morning there was a silent knocking on my door, hardly noticeable. When I boot on my lended computer to look for the time it was actually 8:18 A.M. – so I really had tu hurry, because my train would depart at 9:07 A.M. from 10 kilometres afar Nennig. Fast packing, fast symbolic breakfast… I angled my brakes more wide, so the wheel didn't hit so bad. My ability to slowdown wasn't so good now, but still working. And I also swapped the package of the panniers, so it was less weight on the carrier's broken side. Both helped.

I went on hurrying when I was on my bike, and surely it was uphill for a long time – but the outlook when being on top and also the high-angle downhill was great, and at this time I became more confident to catch the time. When I passed the German border – second border this day after first passing from France to Luxembourg – it was stormy and I felt some raindrops, so welcome back home! – but it were actually just this few drops. Nevertheless it was a cloudy and windy day.

As the station in Nennig was a very small one, there wasn't any lift but even no other help for people on wheels. I was quite impressed of myself, that I was able to shoulder my packed bike without any difficulty.

When I bought my ticket at the vending machine I was wondering, why it costed more than the railway website had informed me before. And when having a look at the itinerary it was also another route with less change but it would keep me via Cologne. I was wondering but just thinking this could maybe caused of the fact that I mentioned my bike when I did the internet search, so probably the vending machine had made his decision on shorter connecting times (but somehow in both cases I would arrive nearly at the same time at my destination – as I said, I didn't really thought about it). I needed the help of a train conductor to see my mistake: I had bought a ticket to Dortmund instead of Darmstadt, where I wanted to visit some friends and meet Klaus on Friday to visit the birthday party of his cousin. In Trier – first connecting station for both goals, so till then I was never the less in the right train – I had to go to the counter. Fortunately I had 25 minutes transfer time (but according to the line in front of the counter, I also needed this time). Surprisingly the Deutsche Bahn cancelled my old ticket and gave me the right one without any extra charge, so in the end I got some money back.

It was curious to sit in a German train. The people around me appeared to be grouchy, crabby, mopish. It's strange how prejudices and generalisation are working. I suppose half of my impression was caused by the fact, that I wasn't able to see my home country's people from an open minded curious view. In fact it wasn't that bad.

I visited some friends in Darmstadt and stayed overnight. Nice guitar session, interesting talks. Exiting sense of self, the changed me in a familiar context. Next day I met Klaus and we visited the birthday party of his cousin together. Great meal and many lovely people and all of them so fascinated about what I did. On Sunday another of Klaus' cousins who also had joined the party took us home with his car.

Being back is weird. Nice but very different. Live is easier when the only thing you have to do is cycling. Summer is definitely gone now. Things have changed. But I still contend with the same things I did before I went on my tour. I'm still learning to become free.

– THE END –

I'm caving in

Monday, 19th of September. I not only did the direct route to Dublin, I did it by train. Saturday was once again just a rainy day and I wasn't in the mood to go out and cycle. Wherefore? Sean, Anne's boyfriend, had agreed to host me, Anne was happily in Dublin, too, at the moment, and we arranged to meet in an Irish club where they wanted to go to this evening.

When I wanted to buy my ticket the woman on the counter referred me to the train people to asked if I could take my bike with me. First they weren't so sure but then they agreed. Going by train isn't so popular in Ireland, most people are using the buses. There are not that much routes, and also the usage differs from the way it is in Germany, it's much more relaxed but also seems to be much less organized.

I liked the train ride. A new facet of my Ireland image. But all over Ireland the same boring weather. When I arrived in Dublin I tried to open my perception for this place, and actually it was a little like an interesting new experience – big colourful lights, night life, maybe somehow unique… I had some optimism, and it was fun to navigate through the city centre to find the club where I would meet Anne and Sean. Club Conradh na Gaeilge is a non-governmental organisation that promotes the Irish language in Ireland and abroad – so Sean taught me how to order my guinness in Irish (but I can't remember the spelling anymore…). I had a little faith by seeing Anne again, but was also fragile inside of me. When I'm in this mood I need lots of affirmation that people really like me and mean it. Otherwise I feel bound to act self confident, to show I'm an interesting person, who is worth the time to spend with and no boring burden. And Anne and Sean were very friendly but also busy. And then I'm not so sure if people just try to be nice but not really care.

On Sunday I once again cycled the ten kilometres up to the city centre but felt so lonely I wasn't able to motivate myself to do some touristic or cultural stuff. Dublin is so loud, so much people, so much traffic (this day lots of people on the street were celebrating because some sports team had won some game), and I was so small and lost. For the first time on my tour I really missed Klaus, because there was no reason to discover this town without him. I went to an Internet café that also gave me a bad feeling about being impersonal and not trustful and secure because of the suggestion to lock the rucksack. This was the time when the crying started. I couldn't stand it, couldn't control it, It was just losing all cohesion. I tried to find something to hold on to, but in the end there was just crying and this complete caving in. I cycled back to Sean's place, when another rain caught me. But those things couldn't get me down, I felt so lost and without any faith, so it didn't matter or was just fitting.

When I was back, Sean asked if I wasn't okay, so my small ability to buck up got lost again. My only idea how to help myself was to take the next train up to Tramore, as this place was the closest to home I could get in the moment. Sean wasn't reserved when I couldn't hold back tears and tried to say helpful things – that I surely miss my boyfriend, that I'm probably homesick, what actually isn't wrong but when you are so much caving in those statements can't really help. I needed to stay with friends where I could be sure it would be okay to burden them with myself. And I couldn't imagine it could be fun for Sean to have me around crying all the time because I feel so lost and don't know how to go on with my life. So I packed my stuff. When saying good bye Sean seemed to be really concerned. He regret we didn't spend more time together to get to know each other and do some music together. And then he gave me a long and warm hug. This felt so good. Maybe I could have had some more trust. But going to a place where I could be sure to feel comfortable felt much more safer.

During this train ride the crying came over me from time to time, but changed it's character. It wasn't no longer just feeling lonely and homesick but much more about feeling helpless and desperate about still don't know how to go on with my life. Am I a loser if I can't stand society's rules? What makes oneself a worthwhile person? Am I bad and selfish if I just produce this feelings that I can't stand it anymore? Isn't it just handy to wallow in self-pity about my suffering and just feel to ill as I would be able to do what all people have to do? It's all gridlocked and I can't figure out these conflicts. Why can't I be different? Maybe I use my feelings to manipulate others, so if I would be an worthwhile person I would just feel different. I don't want to fulfil any demand anymore. But a worthwhile person would just be able not to think about these things as demands.

When I left the train a woman wished me good luck on my trip home which felt good. Night cycling the ten or fifteen kilometres up to Tramore was nice, so in the end I cycled nearly 50 kilometres this day. This evening I realized for the first time that the days have become significant shorter – it was dark when I get on my bike at 8 P.M. So once again: Maybe it's also not the best time for cycling. And I still don't have to. I'm looking forward to come back home. And cycling through France could be nice, I think I will give it a try. But first I will stay with Patti and Mark and have some good talks like we started to do yesterday. It's not that I'm unhappy. I just don't know how to change live and become satisfied. And it doesn't help that I'm so annoyed about myself and think I'm putting myself much to center-stage.

From Hüttenstadt up to Germscheid – and once again a train part…

Wednesday, 3th of August. I left Susanne at 11 A.M. shortly before it started to rain, wherefore I had another stop to search for my rain clothes. Naturally the rain stopped at the moment I had done my rain clothes. But since it was still some cold I kept it on. My first goal for this day was Wetzlar because of its wonderful historic city centre. It's a straight road which leads to this small town. There was a bike path next to the street. My heart didn't misgave me, when the path left the road – bike paths do such things sometimes, perhaps when the street planers don't want you to cycle upon a hill. This path was really winding and went on to veer away from the road. But I went on, because the landscape was so nice and I trusted in the fact that the path had to lead to somewhere.

After maybe one kilometre with slight down-grade the bike path mutated into a path of asphalt tile, then into a cart track, then into a muddy cart track, then into a muddy seldom used upward cart track … I started to push my bike, but I was still curious. Finally the so-called path ended as a overgrown thing, but at this time I could fortunately hear the cars riding on the road. The last maybe 50 metres I unloaded my bike and carried first my stuff and than my bike across the forest. Altogether it took me two hours, but I was so proud of myself that I wasn't frustrated or something like that, but just able to handle the situation. I was completely all in a sweat. My spats had been very useful; otherwise my shoes and feet would have been totally wet, too. But my clothes had been really dirty from the mud.

The historic centre of Wetzlar is actually as nice and well worth seeing as Susanne had told me. It has a Dom with only one finished tower, then there hadn't been enough money to build the other one…

Best of all: now I followed a bike path along the Lahn river. I bought two bicycle tubes in a bicycle store, and as I started to answer the question whereto I'm cycling: "through Belgium and …" the mechanic cut me off saying: “Ah … – that kind of trip.” As I had some problems with my gearshift I asked if he could take a look and in the end he fixed it for free “to sponsor the trip”. Very much thanks to Armin from bykx Radstudio in Solms-Oberbiel! Cycling along the Lahn was just great. But sadly after 50 cycled kilometres I had to switch to train, when arriving in Weilburg at 6 A.M. – there was no later connection from another station available and otherwise I would have arrived in Germscheid eventually at midnight. Maybe it wasn't the worst decision, because shortly after it started to rain once again. This day I decided to send some of my stuff back home, so I took advantage of the time during the train ride to sort out. In Limburg I had to change trains – it seemed to be the wrong time for travelling with the bike … Once again I had to carry my bike.

Olli, my today's host, picked me up at Altenkirchen train station and we drove with his car to his home in Germscheid, Rhineland-Palatinate. (Once again: Thanks to him and also the other couchsurfing hosts who helped me so much with my tour.) Olli is a friendly and relaxed guy. After school he made a motor bicycle tour, which was planed as an one year trip up to Australia and ended up as a two year tour up to New Zealand. Then he started to breed Galloway cows. He commemorated Dave, a dear friend of mine, who is so open and tender but so hard to reach inside.

When we attained the 150 year old farm house in a small village at the edge of Westerwald there was a bonfire and some friends and neighbours who celebrated hay harvest with eating and drinking together. I felt so welcome and had a very nice evening with some chit-chat. And Olli has such a lovely outgoing young daughter! I have also to thank Olli for agreeing to send my stuff back home. Cheers!

From Wartmannsroth up to Schlüchtern – and up to Gießen by train …

Tuesday, 2th of August. After Uwe and I have had some breakfast he offered me his computer for writing my blog and check messages – and therefore suddenly it was 2 o'clock P.M., when I left Wartmannsroth in Lower Franconia, Bavaria. (Trying to avoid this “suddenly time has gone”-thing is the reason, why it took some time till I went on with my blog. My apologize. In punishment of that I now have to write with a French keyboard…)

The weather wasn't just good – it was hot! From Wartmannsroth my way led me straight up to Völkersleier, a small village which is build on an inclined plane with probably a 45 degree angle – unable to cycle with all my luggage and very hard to push the bike, but no problem at all as I was fresh and unspent. And the day went on like this, as I cycled the Rhön Mountains area. I had some amazing downhill drive where I was able (and that means it was a calculable risk) to reach maximum speed over 60 km/h, but also some heavy uphill grades. But it was fun, and as I am cycling for the cycling (and also for the adventure) everything is just okay – come what may.

Next thing that came was a flat tyre. If your boyfriend says to you, you don't need a spare tyre on your tour, don't believe him like I did! The hole in my bicycle tube was a cleft, not easy to repair but I managed. But unexpected I was not able to inflate the tube. While I was still trying first a car stopped to offer some help, then two mountain bikers, who were also not able to inflate while using their own air pump, and at least a couple on a tandem-like bicycle (recumbent bike ahead and normal bike behind) and they fortunately had a air pump which worked. Many thanks to Britta and Wolfgang! – And also thanks for the nice conversation… Hope you are alright at your trip through Germany.

All things considered the mishap took me one hour and with all my hill caused slowness now it was close to evening. I decided to change to train, but in Stirbfritz (what a great name!) I would have had to wait for a long time, so I went on – pushing my bike on a high-angle road (7 or 8 degree the sign said), where I had to stop every five minutes gasping for breath. It was so exhausting I felt nausea. I was glad that the situation didn't depressed me but I had a bad conscience because of my couchsurfing host for this night. I want to be a better couchsurfer than I was able by this time. But I had called her and she was insightfully.

By and by I reached Schlüchtern (Hesse, Germany). The Schlüchtern people built the railway station outside the small town on top of a hill. And they build only stairs to reach the platforms. Once again, while seeing me, people offered help and while realizing the weight they didn't want to lower one's guard. (So I assume. It was really much weight.)

In the train I met another cyclist who was training for the Alpenmarathon. After a better change in Hanau I reached Gießen, where Susanne, my host for this night, picked me up at 9:30 P.M. and we went by car to her home in Hüttenstadt. I was her first chouchsurfer, but she had surfed several times during her trip to USA, she just had come back the night before and still felt the jet lag.

She welcomed me with a delicious chanterelle strudel and as I told her about the background of my journey, we had a good private talk about how to live, how to work and how to love, and the compromises we were willing or not willing to accept. For both of us our touring was about learning to be able to come in touch with own requirements and having the distance for getting new perspectives. All this felt so good. Thank you, Susanne for some time to bethink.

I cycled 42 kilometres that day. For some reason that's not that bad, I think …